The Journey

We've all had those days when it seems like life beats you down at every turn. Like nothing is going right and no matter what we try, we can't seem to come out on top. Like we're drowning, the air pressing in on us, our chests constricting under the weight of our problems. Maybe for you it's been more than a day. It's been a month. A year. Ten years. And you just can't see what good could possibly come of your suffering. All you can think is:  "God, what are you doing?!" No, wait, don't go. It's okay. You can admit it. Remember the first words I wrote up there? We've all had those days. All. Every single one of us, whether we admit it or not. Whether we choose to remember or not. See, that's part of the problem: remembering. We are such fickle, short-sighted people. During a trial, we can't see past our problems. Afterwards, we immediately forget what we went through. It's like... a mirror. When we stare our proble...

Have you ever been lonely? Maybe you’re single, like I am, and your heart yearns for someone to share your life with. Or maybe you are married and know in your head you should be happy, but feel disconnected from your spouse. No matter where we are in life, everyone feels the dreaded thorn called loneliness at one time or another. For me, loneliness is my Achilles heel, my Paul-like thorn in the side. Even as a child I felt isolated and different, and then as a teenager I left behind all my friends when I moved to Europe. Now, as a young adult, the pangs of loneliness continue to remind me that the one thing I don’t have is a soul mate. The last five years have been a major struggle against depression. I’ve felt lost, alone, and unwanted even by those I would call friends. So believe me when I say I know a thing or two about loneliness. And I hate it. The thing about loneliness is that it’s not something we can categorize simply . For some, it may be the idol of marriag...

So, dear Reader, today has been tough. Well, to be honest, most of it hasn't, but I had another tough moment. And guess who it involved? My brother. If you guessed right, you get a gold star. Little brothers are like... the puppies of the human world. When they want to be, they're cute, funny, and sweet. But most of the time it seems like they just make too much noise, play a little too rough, and need a bath. I'm not saying that I don't like  my brother. That's not it at all. He's just... a little brother . If you have one, you know what I mean. As I usually do, this morning during my prayers I asked for peace, love, and patience. I'd been doing pretty well with him, so I didn't really think much about the prayer or put too much fervency in it. A half hour later he came tromping down the stairs in his sweats (the ones my sister and I threaten to burn every so often) and opened the fridge. I made an off-hand comment about how we had left-overs. ...

I am a missionary kid. MK's are not like other children. We see things that kids our age and older may never see- abject poverty, people who are hurting in almost every way imaginable, and religious/nationalistic prejudice against other Christians/Americans, our families, and ourselves. We have counseled people younger and older than we are and know when our family's funds are a little short in any particular month. From very young ages, we are forced to grow up. When we go back to our mother countries, people flock around us. (It can be overwhelming to go from servant to rock star overnight.) They ask all kinds of questions that we gladly respond to with half answers because deep down we know what it is they want to hear. They want the funny stories and the adventure. But the one thing they don't want to address is the emotional toll that seeing the world like that has taken. They don't know how to help or deal with it. But it's okay: we don't either. ...

Do you ever get that sick feeling in your stomach that just won't go away? Are you strung tight from being tossed about by things beyond your control? Yeah, that's what I've been dealing with these last few days. It's a feeling of weightlessness, but not the good kind. It's that feeling that I imagine astronauts get when they get knocked into a tailspin in space that they can't pull out of. No matter how desperately they try, all they do is spin. And if they aren't hooked in and can't grab onto anything... they just keep going forever. That has to be the greatest fear- aside from asphyxiation- that every space man has. Sometimes life is a little like space. One moment you feel yourself firmly planted on the ground, life is good, and everyone you love is fine. And then something happens and gravity is ripped out from under you. All it takes is one thing... one tiny, infinitesimal thing and we lose all orientation. Up becomes down.... Left bec...

Emotions. Fear. Joy. Hatred. Euphoria. Anger. Love. Loneliness. These are all only a few examples of the many complex entities that we package into one tiny word- emotions. Sometimes they seem to live and breathe of their own volition. One will grab us, shake us, try and control us. And then in the next minute it will disappear as quickly as it came and another will pop up in its place. In today's society, the subject of emotions is something many Christians have a strong opinion about. They read a passage from Scripture that says, "Fear not," so they believe that all fear is wrong. Others read that "God is love" and latch onto that, believing that we are to love, love, love people to the point of accepting everything about them- including their sins that they refuse to change. I'm just going to say it right now: Christians need to stop seeing emotions at black and white (i.e.- all good or all bad). They need to take a good long look at not only w...

Pride. It's the bane of our existence. No, I'm not talking about patriotic or paternal pride. I'm talking about the silent and deadly type. The kind that causes so much trouble. "Trouble?" you may ask, "What trouble?" Let's think for a moment. What was the first sin? No, not the first sin that man committed, but the other one. The Bible says: "How you are fallen from heaven, O Day Star, son of Dawn! How you are cut down to the ground, you who laid the nations low! You said in your heart, 'I will ascend to heaven; above the stars of God I will set my throne on high; I will sit on the mount of assembly in the far reaches of the north; I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.' -Isaiah 14:12-14 I would argue that the first sin was committed by Satan. He thought he could be god better than God. What do we call that? Pride. Now, I would also argue that there are two main types of pride. ...

Have you ever thought to yourself, "What on earth in my life is there to be thankful for?" Maybe it's always too hot or too cold for you. Maybe your children or siblings are fighting. Maybe you're stuck in a job you hate. On those days- how can you be thankful? Confession time- I just finished the worst month of feeling unhappy with my siblings that I think I have ever had in my entire life. And that includes when we were little. It seemed like everything they did got on my nerves. I would feel myself getting annoyed, and in an effort to not lose it I would say something quick and sharp. As I would say it, I would chide myself, "Way to go, Nikitah. You just got an F in Siblings Harmony class." I knew what I was saying, but I couldn't bring myself to stop that little comment from slipping out. I felt unhappy and ticked off all the time. There was nothing  to be thankful for. You know how you are going through something and it seems like suddenly ev...

What is the effect of music on our lives? What would they be like without it? For those of us who don't play an instrument, what are we missing? Music is an extremely important part of my life. Imagine my chagrin when I started to notice my hearing getting worse! Thankfully, it seems like my ears are getting better now that I am no longer around long noises. But that thought- idea- has stuck with me. Let me ask you a question- if you had the choice between hearing and seeing, what would you choose? Now that's a tough decision which- thankfully- none of us will ever have to make. But what would we miss with either sense? With the eyes, it would be colors, those high-powered action sequences on TV, etc. But think of sound. How much more do we miss without it? Close your eyes (mentally) and listen to the room around you. Listen to people moving around, to the TV blaring with impassioned words thick with emotion, to the music that your sister plays when she's sad.... T...

It’s amazing how much a story can affect you. It can make you laugh, cry, love and die with every breath a character takes. It can lift you up with wings of joy or bring you down in dark sorrow. Such is the power of the written word. There is a beauty and a curse in this power. Through the scribbling of silent writers, love has bloomed between couples; but also wars have been fought, leading to many deaths that otherwise would not have happened had someone not bothered to dip the fated quill. As writers and authors, much responsibility falls upon our shoulders. What we write not only affects us, but others. As we pour our boiling emotions onto paper for the relief it gives, they are swallowed by another who may not have the ability to release them. Oh, how my heart aches as I write this! For them, such a life is naught but eternal torment. Thus, we as scribes are required to turn our torrent of words into carefully hewn chasms that will channel even our negative energies in...

That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat beside the sea. And great crowds gathered about him, so that he got into a boat and sat down. And the whole crowd stood on the beach. And he told them many things in parables, saying: “A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them. Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, but when the sun rose they were scorched. And since they had no root, they withered away. Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. He who has ears, let him hear.” (Matthew 13:1-9 ESV)  I've read this passage so many times and heard sermon after sermon on the subject. But today it got me thinking about the last couple of years and all the things that have happened- the thorns, birds...

"Happy Holidays y'all!" Ok, I know, I know- I didn't write anything letting y'all know what was going on for the holidays! But, my dear friends, it wasn't my fault! It was the church. No, really. Romanians are kind of mildly obsessed about going to church all the time- especially around the holidays. I'm not saying that's bad... but when Romanians hear the word "holiday", they take off like a rocket. There is no such thing as a calm, restful v acation -like holiday. Instead they are running around until well after midnight with friends.  Basically, this is what our Christmas/New Years looked like: cookie baking, David Center party, Rebecca's cantata, more cantata, even more cantata, caroling until after midnight, more caroling, party, gingerbread house building, more cookie baking, Christmas, Christmas night church service, Christmas service/visit at a little village all day, friends over, last minute New Year party prep, New Y...

All we could do was look around us in awe as the elegant streetlamps escorted us past tall, beautiful high risers on the right and the ocean on our left. A giant ferris wheel brought Alyssa's camera out (which, if you know Alyssa, is a regular occurrence). The rest of that trip was fairly uneventful. Close to 1:00 AM, we were dropped off, ready to enjoy our beds. For the next three days, I was bookin' it. I still had things to put in storage, three hours of work, plates to renew, power of attorney form to get notarized, and vote in a city 15 minutes away before we packed our bags for the plane and went to Singles' meeting at church. But, somehow, I made it. On the third day, we didn't sleep because we would be leaving the next morning at 3:30. Our ride picked us up and we arrived at the airport a mere 30 minutes before our flight. And guess what- lucky ducks, our line was the longest we had ever seen at the little Columbus airport! We fidgeted. And waited. And fid...

Currently on my "to buy" list: a new laptop! And I had my eye on a sweet one- an Alienware. It had everything I could possibly want- durability, processing power, awesome graphics, style, and attitude. I was so wanting to buy it... really badly. But then, after weeks of research, a thought entered my mind: yes, it was my dream computer, but did I really need all that power? I had told myself, "I need a better graphics card so I can play my Global Agenda." "I need more space for more programs." "I need, I need, I need...." But did I really? It was something that bore some thought. Finally, I came to the conclusion that even if I got a computer that was barely better than the one I have now, it would be what I need. Which bears the question: How much that I buy on a regular basis do I actually need? Why am I willing to spend $700 dollars on a computer and $75 on my health? How about replacing those socks with holes in them instead of gett...